Diary of a Shopkeeper, 7th November

Sign of Duty. Photo courtesy of Orkney Photographic

Detective Chief Sudoku clutched his forehead in his hands. That ringing in his ears! Would it never stop? He’d been pinged so many times in the past week that he was developing tinnitus.

‘Boss, boss.’  Now he was hearing voices. Or one voice: it was Gilly, the gruff but kindly Desk Sergeant at Police West Mainland. No one remembered why Police West Mainland needed a sergeant in charge of desks, but Gilly was part of the furniture.

‘Boss,’ Gilly said again, ‘Boss.’

‘What is it?’ Sudoku groaned.

‘You were asking why I wear a tee shirt and a stab vest even around the office,’ said Gilly, ‘Even when the rest of youse are in woolly jumpers.’

‘And?’

‘The answer is Boss, boss, Hugo Boss. Do you know how much designer police gear costs? I’m going to get my money’s worth.’

‘Sorry, Gilly,’ said Sudoku, ‘I can hardly concentrate. This ringing, it just won’t stop.’

‘I’ve told you before, boss. Just press that green button on your phone and that’ll stop it. Then you can talk to whoever is calling you.’

Sudoku snatched his phone out of his pocket with all the alacrity that Police West Mainland is famed for. Modern technology was at his fingertips once again.

‘Sudoku,’ he barked

‘Press the green button first,’ said Gilly.

Sudoku pressed. ‘Boss,’ said a voice, ‘It’s Roxy.’

Sudoku frowned. His Sergeant Assistant sounded glamorous, but slight anxious. ‘What’s up, Roxy?’

‘I’m out west, boss,’ she said. ‘And I’ve got bad news for you.’

‘Is there any other kind?’ Sudoku said grimly.

‘There’s the kind you get at the end of the TV bulletin, where the fire brigade rescues a royal kitten stuck in a tree,’ said Roxy.

‘Not too many trees in these parts, Roxy. So not too many of those good news stories. There was a kitten once, but was it royal?’

‘Still waiting for DNA results to come through from Aberdeen,’ shouted Gilly from the other side of the office.

‘Boss,’ said Roxy. ‘Someone has stolen Stromness. I’m standing at the city limits. And where Stromness should be, all I can see is a sign for Kirkwall.’

Sudoku clutched his forehead in his hands. His fingers were starting to wear grooves in his skull, they spent so much time pressing there.

‘Not this again!’ he groaned. ‘Remember when West Ronaldsay went missing? We’ve still never found it. I blame Kirkwall BID: anything to get one up on their rival OFGs.’

‘OFG?’ said Roxy.

‘Organised Fun Group. Them and the blasted Rotary Club, with their bonfire nights and Santa sleighs, spreading joy wherever they go. Don’t they know these isles have a reputation for greyness and grimness to maintain?’

‘And anxiety,’ said Roxy, anxiously, ‘Despite the occasionally glamorous landscapes glimpsed through the sleet.’

‘Like last weekend,’ said Sudoku. ‘I heard BID were organising a Halloween parade through Kirkwall. Fine, I thought. Skeletons, zombies, miserable toddlers in rain-soaked ghost sheets. Very Orkney Noir. And what did we get? The pipe band. Colourful costumes. Free sweeties.  A huge turnout. And everyone having a wonderful time! I tell you Roxy, I was in pain just watching it go by.’

‘Well at least that’s some consolation,’ she said.

‘Boss, sorry to butt in,’ Gilly butted in. ‘Reports are coming through from Hatston. It seems…I hate to say it…it seems that Kirkwall has been stolen. All that’s left is a sign for Stromness.’

Sudoku’s hands flew to the grooves in his forehead. ‘This is something new,’ he groaned. ‘And it’s worse than we thought. The Kirkwall OFGs are linking up with the west mainland OFG.’

‘You don’t mean…?’ said Roxy, anxiously.

‘I’m afraid so,’ said Sudoku. ‘It’s the return of the Stromness Community Devilment Trust.’

BID’s latest Organised Fun event starts on Thursday 18th. Details can be found here: Winter Wonderland Weekend

Shetland continues on BBC1 on Wednesdays at 9pm, with more Glasgow accents than River City.

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 10th November. Other diaries continue to appear weekly. I am posting them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.