Diary of a Shopkeeper, 2nd October
Willie Pickle and Mrs Stentorian burst into the shop together, both up to high doh.
‘Have you heard the news, shopkeeper?’ cried Mrs S, not even past the homebrew section.
‘What news?’ I said, ‘The economy? Ukraine? The energy crisis?’
‘No, beuy,’ said Willie Pickle. ‘Eurovision.’
‘It’s going to be happening here!’ she exclaimed.
‘Well, close,’ said Willie.
‘I thought it was a contest between Glasgow and Liverpool,’ I said.
‘It’s a no-brainer,’ said Willie. ‘What good music ever came out of Liverpool? And look at Glasgow’s pedigree: Sydney Devine, Frank Ferdinand, Lulu…’
I nodded. ‘A previous Eurovision winner with “‘Boom Bang-a-Bang.”’
‘That’s a sore point,’ said Mrs S. ‘In 1969, who appeared on A Song for Europe with her own composition, “Bang Boom-a-Boom”? Me! But due to an administrative mix-up, at the final in Madrid Britain was represented by Lulu, singing her very silly song.’
‘Henrietta was robbed,’ said Willie. ‘Now with the show happening just down the A9, she’s surely the obvious choice.’
I tried not to look to astounded. ‘Do you have a song in mind?’
‘It’s a catchy little ditty,’ she replied, ‘about a love affair conducted in a delicatessen, where the beautiful singer comes in every day to ask the handsome assistant to reserve some delicious snacks for her. It’s called “Save All Your Quiches for Me.”’
I laughed. ‘Brilliant! So what do you want me to do? Appear in your video?’
‘I rather thought William could take the role of the assistant,’ she said, and simpered across at him.
‘We want you to be a witness to the song idea,’ said Willie. ‘So no one can pinch it like happened with that Lulu.’
‘And with that Mr Morrison of the Smiths,’ said Mrs S. ‘Once again, in 1985, there I was Euro-shortlisted with a song from the heart. Why, I wondered, even on a grey day, driving a grey car, in thick mist, won’t drivers put their headlights on?’
‘It’s called “There is a Light that Never Goes On,”’ said Willie. ‘Come on Henrietta, give him a verse…’
She arched her eyebrows at him, but one second later was singing with mournful gusto: ‘Take me out tonight, where there’s fiddles and there’s folk, and the fog’s thick as shaving cream. / Driving in your car, we never switch the headlights on: don’t want to wear the bulbs out, no no…’
She did a twirl, ran her fingers through her hair, then grasped an imaginary microphone: ‘There is a light that never goes on, there is a light and it never goes on…’
She sang the last line a few more times, then pulled invisible flowers from her back pocket and tossed them around the shop. Willie applauded enthusiastically, and Mrs Stentorian took a bow.
‘That’s amazing,’ I said. ‘Though I must say, it does remind me a bit of The Smiths’ song, “There is a Light that Never Goes Out.”’
She fixed me with a furious glare. ‘Superficial similarities. That Mr Morrison must have heard me rehearsing and stolen my ideas.’
‘Morrisey,’ I said.
‘Who says?’ said Willie Pickle.
‘After that my heart went out of showbiz,’ said Mrs Stentorian. ‘The glamour of it had worn off. Plus there was the legal injunction from Mr Morrison’s lawyer never to sing again.’
‘Never to sing Smiths’ songs?’ I said.
‘No, just never to sing, full stop.’
‘And how has Britain done in the Eurovision ever since?’ said Willie. ‘Terrible! Null points! I’m sure we’d’ve won regularly if Henrietta had been representing us. That’s why we were up at the council. To see if James Stockan could sort it out for us.’
‘And what did he say?’
‘The nice young gal at the desk told us he was busy,’ said Mrs S. ‘But she suggested that, as Eurovision is screened by the BBC, we should talk to them.’
‘And that’s where we’re off to now,’ said Willie Pickle, ‘To have a word with Radio Orkney.’
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 5th October 2022. A new one appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.