Diary of a Shopkeeper, 28th April 2024

The new X1 hits the road.

Bruce Brass waited patiently while I finished my explanation to the American couple: ‘Aye, Highland Park distillery is 15 minutes’ walk away, but no, you can’t visit. It’s closed for repairs.’

‘What time does it reopen?’

‘In about six months. It’s more than just fitting a new lightbulb.’

‘So there’s no way we can get Highland Park for six months?’

‘Of course! Turn left and raise your eyes about four inches: there’s a whole shelf of the stuff.’

The man didn’t move. The woman turned right and looked at our display of bizarrely-shaped pasta. This week’s special: Pavarottini, an unusually big pasta shape that sings when you cook it. A tenor a pack.

‘How about the Italian chapel?’ said the woman.

I shook my head. ‘You can’t buy whisky there.’

‘Only wine, I guess,’ she said. ‘Chianti, I like a good white Chianti.’

‘If you go to the shelves at the back of the shop, we have a wide selection of…’

‘Well thank you, sir, you’ve been very helpful,’ said the man. ‘We’re going to Dublin tomorrow…’

‘Belfast,’ said the woman.

‘…so I guess we might get some Highland Park there. Can you recommend a good pub?’

‘If you go down towards the harbour there’s quite a few.’

He nodded. ‘So we go to Dublin harbour, and we’ll find some pubs that sell Highland Park?’

My mouth tried to form some words but my brain couldn’t come up with any commensurate with the occasion, so I just nodded. The couple turned to leave, pulling up the hoods of their matching scarlet anoraks as they went.

The woman turned at the door and smiled back at me: ‘You’ve got a pretty little village. God bless.’ And they were gone.

As soon as the door closed, Bruce hooted with laughter. ‘God bless you pretty little shopkeeper!’ he cried.

‘Don’t be rude about my customers,’ I said. ‘I love them one and all.’

‘But they didn’t buy anything.’

‘It’s not all about money,’ I said. ‘We’re the fourth emergency service. Urgent tourist advice given out 24/7. Or ten to five, Monday to Saturday, anyway. Sundays if there’s a big boat in’

He laughed again. ‘You’ll be doing a lot more of that when the tourist information centre closes.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m a bit worried about it. There’s a lot to remember just running a shop, without having to know which restaurants cater for gluten free dogs, and what the tide times are at the top of Wideford Hill.’

He shook his head. ‘There’s going to be hordes of folk wandering like sheep,’ he said. ‘What are VisitScotland thinking about?’

‘I asked them,’ I said. ‘Turns out they’re the wide end of the inspiration funnel.’

‘What???’

‘Their job is to inspire folk to visit Scotland – it’s in the name. They might even get them excited about some region or other, like Orkney. They entice them in, bring them down the funnel. But when the visitors actually get somewhere…’

‘The thin end of the tunnel of love.’

‘Funnel. Of inspiration. Kirkwall is the thin end of the funnel of inspiration. And once the tourists get here, it’s no longer going to be VisitScotland’s role to tell them what to do.’

‘So whose is it then? Somebody has to keep them right.’

‘I believe they’re hoping for local partners to take up that kind of hand-holding role.’

‘Local partners? That’ll be you and the worthies who sit on the windowsill outside the museum. Well, I don’t want my hand held by someone who guffs of Gorgonzola.’

‘They’re maybe thinking of somebody more like the council.’

Bruce clutched his head, and started to moan. ‘Please submit your question regarding the best spots to see puffins using Form 11A. Non-domestic-rate paying visitors should additionally complete appendices 17 to 23…’ After that his words broke down into whimpers and groans.

I rinsed out my cloot and gave the cheese counter a wipe. ‘So, Bruce,’ I said, ‘What can I get you today?’

‘I was just needing…’ he mumbled, ‘I was just wondering…’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you know the time of the next bus down to the Hup?’

Highland Park distillery will indeed be closed for several months while it’s renovated. Happily, Scapa is still open for visitors. And there is the Highland Park shop just along the street. However, if you want whisky, you know where to come first…

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 2nd May 2024. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.