When George Mackay Brown met Penélope Cruz
Pub grub, Aussie style.
Our friends at West Side Cinema, Stromness, are part of a fantastic online film festival right now. Called We Are One, it links up films, discussions and music. from 21 film festival cities around the world - cities whose real life film festivals have been cancelled.
They asked us if we’d come up with food and drink recommendations for each of the 21 cities, to add another layer of richness to the virtual-festival experience. Of course we would!
But only if we could interpret the remit VERY loosely…
1. BFI London Film Festival, England
Sometimes the short is better than the main feature. Like sitting at a window seat in a bar in Soho, waiting for a friend who might become more than a friend. Here comes a chilled glass of Fino and a saucer of almonds. Outside London is hot and Soho smells of drains. But hey, there goes Derek Jarman in a blue linen jacket. A salty almond, a sip of sherry. It doesn’t get any better than this.
2. Cannes Film Festival, France
George Mackay Brown sat on the edge of the bed and tugged a corner of the sheet. ‘Come on Penélope, time to rise and shine. La Croisette awaits you.’
She pouted. ‘I don’t care about stupid red carpets and paps. I just want to stay here with you.’
George blushed a little at the word paps, but he knew it meant something different here than it did back home. ‘You ken fine that’s not the deal, lass. If you want folk to go and see Jamón Jamón, you’ve got to get out there and flash some flesh.’
Penélope sat up abruptly. ‘Are you calling me a ham, Georgie?’
‘Never! I always say you’re the greatest Spanish actress.’ He blushed again. ‘Well, it’s between you and Kathy Pitkin – her Fizz in Eldorado is just stunning.’
‘Fizz, Fizz – all I hear is bloody Fizz! I don’t see her with a frying pan after a long day at the y-front factory! That was method cooking with those tortillas: three months slaving away undercover in Raymie’s Café to learn how to make them properly.’
‘Ah, but if it hadn’t been for that, we’d never have met, my dear.’ George slipped his hand under the sheet and stroked her leg. ‘Talking of fizz, I’m feeling kind of drouthy, and there’s gallons of Moët out there waiting for us.’
Penélope let the sheet fall a little. ‘Georgie…can’t we just stay in tonight? Order up some clapshot and homebrew from room service?’
‘Oh you peedie Spanish spitfire.’ He chuckled. ‘Give me the phone and I’ll tell the PR girl you’re feeling trowie.’
She fluttered her eyelashes. ‘And then, Mr Mackay Brown, I’ll be ready for my close up…’
3. Guadalajara International Film Festival, Mexico
In the square in front of the cathedral a great crowd was gathered to watch a recreation of the crucifixion. Easter in Guadalajara, atheist Scot in Mexico. Stalls lined the square selling street food, or food as we called in back then. Drink too, and that was easy in the heat: michelada, well-chilled lager with a splash of lime and a dash of chilli. As for food, I knew what I should have had: tacos de tripas, salty crunchy fried tripe in corn tortillas, something I’d never get in Stromness. But I just couldn’t do it, no way man, just one step too far. I shrugged at the stall holder, grinned apologetically. But her eyes flicked over my shoulder, and behind me the crowd gasped.
4. International Film Festival & Awards, Macao China
Macao is the most densely populated place in the world, averaging over 50,000 inhabitants per square mile. Orkney manages 50. It also features one of the most densely layered cuisines of anywhere: Macanese. Cantonese cooking provided the foundations, but in 1557 Portugal established a colony there which remained in place till 1999. Four hundred years of Portuguese rule brought not only pastel de nata (custard tarts) and serradura (sawdust pudding) from home, but also further layers from other colonies like galinha à Africana (chicken with peanut, tomato and piri-piri sauce, from Mozambique.) Orkney has Razor Clams that spoot, while Macao has Mantis Shrimps that pee: Fried Pissing Shrimp is an iconic dish, and can only be followed by a bowl of ice cream made from the world’s stinkiest fruit, durian, with its unmistakeable whiff of raw sewage. Hoy fahn!
5. Jerusalem Film Festival, Jerusalem
‘The flavours and smells of Jerusalem are our mother tongue,’ wrote restaurateur Yotam Ottolenghi. What richness to have been brought up with a grammar of fattoush and labneh, a colourful vocabulary of shakshuka, mejadra and chermoula, and with za’atar, zhoug and piperchuma the culinary curse-words providing spice and kick. Raise a glass of erek soos to the soothing murmur of hummus. And all say a prayer for beautiful Baba Ghanoush!
6. Karlovy Vary International Film Festival Czech Republic
The Czech Republic drinks more beer than any other country in the world: an average of 192 litres per person per year. Scotland doesn’t even make it into the Top 20. Though that could be because we drink beer not in litres, but in pints. Czech’s prominence is partly down to how cheap it is there (often cheaper than bottled water) but also because it doesn’t cost very much (water in bottles can be more expensive.) You might need a lot of beer to wash down the most famous Czech cheese, Olomouc, one of the world’s most pungent. Some cafés go so far as to serve it with a lid, mints, and the offer of a toothbrush – though only one for the whole establishment, so probably best avoided in these r-conscious days.
7. Locarno Film Festival, Switzerland
I don’t know much about Locarno, or about Swiss food, so I thought I better Google it. Write about your personal experience, they say. Well, I don’t have any personal experience of Locarno, but I do have personal experience of looking it up on the internet, so surely that would fit the bill. Before I do, let me wrack my brains, just in case. Locarno – it sounds a bit like Lucano, and it is on the border with Italy, isn’t it? But Lucania is in the far south of Italy, Basilicata by any other name, so it’s nothing to do with that. Gruyère! Vacherin! Raclette! Great, but there must be some Swiss food that isn’t cheese. ‘How about Fondue?’ I hear you cry. But that’s just melted cheese with added wine and cubes of bread. Okay, I give up, Google it is. Oh! There’s a guy offering food tours of the city, this’ll be good. Hold on, what’s he called it? TASTE MY SWISS CITY! That doesn’t sound quite right, does it? It’s like an insult snarled through gritted teeth: ‘Hey pal, do that again and you’ll taste my Swiss city!’ Maybe Swiss City is the brand name of a particularly vicious Swiss army knife, the kind with all the attachments: ‘Taste my Swiss city! he yelled, as he stabbed her with his pen knife and used the handy corkscrew attachment to yank out her entrails….’ Or maybe it’s more romantic: ‘Darling, would you…would you…taste my Swiss city?’ ‘Oh my sweet, I’ll taste your Swiss city if you taste my Swiss city.’ Aye, I like that one. Let’s go for that. Locarno, so full of love you can taste it.
8. Marrakech International Film Festival Morocco
I have nothing to eat and I am eating it and that is poverty
Having nothing to eat is poverty and I am eating it
Nothing is poverty and I am having it and eating it
Having your poverty and eating it is nothing and I have it
Poverty is eating nothing and I am having that
I have poverty and I am eating it and that is nothing
It is poverty, I have nothing, and eating it I am that
9. Mumbai Film Festival, India
Are you sure you want to go to the Mumbai Film Festival? Don’t you know it’s illegal to possess or drink alcohol in the city, without a police permit? Guess you must have been off school the day they covered the Bombay Prohibition Act of 1949. It’s no joke. Documentary film maker Priti Chandriani was arrested in 2012 for alcohol possession, even though she explained she only had it to pursue her hobby of making liqueur chocolates. Her film, Ragpickers: Scavengers of a Different Graveyard is available on YouTube. It’s enough to put you off your food.
10. New York Film Festival NY, USA
At last I’d hit the big time. I’d been flown to New York for a meeting with an editor who wanted to publish my guide book on solo travel around Scotland – how you met the best folk, had the most interesting conversations, could overcome any challenges while travelling alone. I was going to call it Scotland: Gaun Yersel. So she asked me where I wanted to eat, and I said, ‘Hey, New York: it has to be a diner!’ She didn’t look too impressed but said okay and took me into this place near her office – hell, it was loud and bright, Formica and chrome everywhere, perfect. She told me she had to go over some paperwork – Oh YES! That would be my contract! – so I should go and order, she’d have whatever I was having.
‘Hello’, I said when I got to the till, ‘Two pastrami sandwiches please.’
‘On what?’ said the guy.
‘Pardon?’
‘On what? What on? Pastrami on what?’
‘Oh, I see! Eh…rye, pastrami on rye. That’s the classic isn’t it?
‘You want lean?’
‘What?’
‘Lean? You want lean?’
‘What is lean?’
‘A buck extra.’
‘In that case…’
‘Will you hurry up, buddy, half of Manhattan’s waiting!’
‘In that case, no, I won’t lean.’
‘Jeez. Okay. Swiss?’
‘What???’
‘Are you kidding me?’ He banged his tongs down on the steel counter. ‘Swiss? Swiss! You want Swiss? No? Okay, Russian?’
‘I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Russian? You want Russian? Simple! Tell me or step out of line buddy!’
I stepped out of line.
Back at the editor’s table, she looked up expectantly, then frowned when she saw me empty handed. ‘I’m not really that hungry,’ I said.
‘This is New York,’ she said. ‘You’ll never get anywhere if you’re not hungry.’
11. San Sebastian International Film Festival Spain
X marks the spot for the best food in Spain. Kokotxas de Merluza (hake cheeks, grilled or fried), Gilda Pintxo (a skewer of green olive, anchovy and pickled pepper , txipirones (little squid baked in garlic, wine and their own ink), Baked txangurro (spider crab), txuleta (five year-old beef, charred black and sprinkled with sea salt.) For dessert, have a slice of Pantxineta (puff pastry tart filled with custard and almonds. As for drink, what could be more Basque than the txotx experience, where fresh cider shoots precisely in fizzy jets from huge barrels, directly into your waiting glass. It’s dramatic, and delicious, and San Sebastian couldn’t give a XXXX for anything else.
12. Sarajevo Film Festival Bosnia and Herzegovina
Salep is the thing to drink in Sarajevo. There are variants for hundreds of miles around, but here it’s usually made of hot milk, cinnamon and ground orchid bulb. In ancient times it acquired the reputation of being a sexual restorative and aphrodisiac, largely because of the shape of the tuber it came from. The Turkish name of the orchid, sālep, translates as ‘The Fox’s Testicles’, and medieval scholar Paracelsus declared, ‘Behold the root, is it not formed like the male privy parts? It can restore a man's virility and passion!’ It’s use spread to Britain, and before tea and coffee became affordable in the late 18th century, saloop houses were the Starbucks of their day. Saloop was revered for its medicinal qualities, first as a hangover cure and later as remedy for venereal disease. Ironically, its fame as a medicine sparked its decline: who wants to be seen sitting in an 1800 Costa drinking from a big mug labelled, ‘Hope this cures my syphilis!’
13. Tokyo International Film Festival Japan
Green tea green tea green tea green tea green tea green tea green tea beer green tea green tea green tea green tea green tea cold sake green tea green tea green tea green tea green tea hot sake green tea green tea. Sushi, sashimi, teriyaki, tempura, udon, oden, ramen, soba, sukiyaki, okonomiyaki, yakisoba, gyoza, kare raisu, donburi, onigiri, tamagoyaki, chawanmushi, umeboshi, shabu shabu. Green tea.
14. Toronto International Film Festival Canada
When I was young and had a Saturday job in that grocery, early December was my favourite time. Not because the Christmas goodies were starting to fill the shelves, but because the boxes arrived from Canada. What was in the boxes? You could tell before you even opened them: as soon as the van dropped them off the whole shop filled with the intoxicating perfume of fresh apples. And not just any apples…Mac Reds. Before my time the apples had arrived in big wooden tubs (we still had an old one in the backshop, used to store balls of string and rolls of sticky tape) but now they came in carboard boxes. The lid overlapped right down to the bottom of the box, so when you pulled it off you were working against a vacuum, and it took some effort. When the lid finally came free, the blue tissue inside wafted upwards as if flying free. And out poured an overwhelming wave of sweet apple perfume. Each Mac Red was individually swaddled in tissue paper, and my job was to unwrap them, check they were in perfect condition, then wrap them again and pile them up in a careful pyramid on the fruit stand. Peeling back the tissue revealed a scarlet globe, bright as any Christmas bauble, polished by some Canadian equivalent of me, the skin tight and almost bulging with the pressure of the flesh within. About once every second box, I would come across a less than perfect apple, with a brown bruise where the fruit had been bashed back in Ontario. The boss would gaze sorrowfully at the damaged goods, as if watching a pound note go up in flames. Then he’d give himself a shake and fetch the cheese knife. The damaged portion was trimmed and discarded, and what remained was cut in four, the astonishing white flesh like a glimpse of Canadian snow. One quarter for me, one for the boss, one for his wife. The final quarter was for the boss too, consumed in secret in his cubby-hole office, accompanied by a slice of sharp cheddar. He really knew how to live, that boss of mine.
15. Tribeca Film Festival NY, USA
‘I’m looking for a book of diner recipes. Your classic meatloaf, mac and cheese, lemon ice box pie.’
‘Ooee, no sir, don’t have nothing like that.’
‘But this is the New York Cookbook Shop! If not here, then where?’
‘Eddie, this gentleman wants a diner cookbook, you know, meatloaf and burgers.’
‘What? Who needs a recipe for frying bacon!’
‘But there’s more to it than that! Buttermilk pancakes, clam chowder, drugstore coffee, iced tea, peach cobbler, Jell-O salad, sloppy joes, monte cristos, malted milk, pastrami on rye, biscuits and gravy…’
‘Well you see, sir, that’s just the kind of food every mom in the country makes. She don’t need no recipe for that kind of thing. Ain’t that right Eddie?’
‘That’s’ right, hon. Well, you never did.’
‘I never did. I just kind of soaked it up from my mom. Can’t you ask your mom, son?’
Two weeks later, back in Stromness, and back in Tam’s bookshop. Face out on the counter as I walked in: Blue Plate Specials: The American Diner Cookbook.
16. Sydney Film Festival Australia
How to astonish the French: tell them the best food in the world is Australian. Of course they won’t believe you. Well, not unless they’ve been there, and even then they won’t admit it. Every fruit and vegetable thrives in the Aussie climate, and with Sydney and all the other big cities located on the coast, stupendous fresh seafood is just a rod’s length away. Barramundi! Moreton Bay bugs! Blue swimmer crab! As if that isn’t enough to tempt you, consider Australia’s late-night staple, the pie floater. It tastes better than it sounds, and much better than it looks: it’s a meat pie UPSIDE DOWN in a foil tray of green pea soup. The greenest wine I know, and one of the greatest, is a Semillon, made by Keith Tulloch in nearby Hunter Valley. As you’d expect with a name like that, Tulloch’s ancestors came from Orkney. So an Orcadian is the best Semillon-maker in the world. Just don’t expect the French to believe it.
17. Annecy International Animation Film Festival, France
Annecy is the Venice of the Alps, and the Alps are made of…cheese! The hillside wildflower meadows of the Haut-Savoie region are rich and nutritious and irresistible – if you’re a cow. And a little bovine digestive magic transfers those wildflower aromas into classic mountain cheeses like Emmental, Reblochon, Raclette, Tomme de Savoie and Abondance. An abundance of dense, nutty, fragrant slabs of dairy! And to accompany? Rousette, Altesse, Mondeuse, Gamay, Poulsard, Persan, Mollard, Etraire de la Dhui, Jacquère, Muscat, Bergeron. The first eleven of Annecy FC? No! Eleven obscure grape varieties used in the wines of Haute Savoie.
18. Berlin International Film Festival, Germany
German Riesling, the most delicate, ethereal wine known to humanity. Fresh as rainwater running off slate vineyards. A magical balance of sweetness and acidity. And to eat? Potato dumplings: golden glowing orbs of reconstituted carbohydrate. Enthusiastically roasted pork, with crackling thick enough to cover an autobahn. And of course – great steaming mounds of pickled cabbage. A marriage made in heaven? If you think that, you better sign a gastronomic prenuptial.
19. Venice Film Festival, Italy
Giuseppe Cipriani was an art-loving publican. First he invented a concoction of peach puree and Prosecco and called it the Bellini – after Giovanni Bellini, the High Renaissance master, and specifically the glowing pink of a painted saint’s toga. Then came carpaccio, wafer-thin slices of blood-red raw steak covering a plate, dressed with scribbles of creamy sauce. Created at the behest of a countess, Amalia Nani Mocenigo, whose doctor had told her to eat more raw meat for health, and named after another Renaissance master, Vittore Carpaccio, who was notable for his genius with the colour red. (So you could make carpaccio with octopus or tomatoes just as well as beef, and still be true to its original spirit.) All this happened in Harry’s Bar, Venice, much loved by visiting celebs like Ernest Hemingway, Woody Allen and Aristotle Onassis, and now frequented by American tourists with more money than sense. A wee plate of carpaccio will set you back 50 euros – and it’s not even cooked! My granny can boil stew for three hours and she’ll charge you far less than 50 euros a plate – you’re really getting cooking value for your money with her.
20. Sundance Film Festival Utah, Salt Lake City, USA
Hell’s kitchen! Of all the culinary abominations known to mankind, surely the worst perversion is the transformation of the good old Scottish scone – light, crumby, fresh from the oven and gently steaming as you spoon on jam, or slip on a slice of cheddar – into the Utah Scone, the state’s signature dish. A tray-sized teardrop of deep-fried dough, crispy on the outside, puffed-up with clouds of fragrant, scalding hot air – like a naan dropped in a deep-fat-fryer – and ALWAYS served with a squeezy bottle of honey, whether accompanying eggs for breakfast or steak for dinner. Oh my god, it’s delicious, I take it all back…Utah Scones are the future, tell the Women’s Guild. Drinking can be hard in Utah, not least because of the Zion’s Curtain law, which demands a ‘solid, translucent and permanent barrier’ between customers in a restaurant and anyone preparing alcohol: mixing a cocktail, or pulling a cork, say. It’s meant to reduce the glamour of drinking and so discourage over consumption. These days, of course, it’s also a built-in social distancing measure.
21. International Film Festival Rotterdam, Netherlands
FADE IN:
1. EXTERIOR, A WATER TAXI - DAY
CLOSE UP – Long blonde hair, tightly wound, held in place by a jewelled pin. LISA’s hand grasps the pin, pulls it out and throws it overboard. Her hair flies free.
2. EXTERIOR, RIJNHAVEN – DAY
The tiny water taxi speeds past a huge ocean liner, dwarfed by its vast scale. LISA sits upright in the stern, lobster-red tweed jacket tightly buttoned against the wind. The words NEW YORK are visible on the stern of the liner.
3. INTERIOR, OYSTER BAR, HOTEL NEW YORK – DAY
A large clock on the wall shows 1.22pm. NICK turns away from the clock and raises a finger towards a white-jacketed WAITER. The WAITER rushes to place a three-tiered cake-stand of seafood in front of NICK: oysters, mussels, razor clams, crab claws, all surrounded by ice and with a seaweed garnish. On top of the display, a whole lobster.
NICK
Of all the fruits de mer platters in all the oyster bars in all the world, you had to show up in mine.
4. EXTERIOR, PIER, KOP VAN SUID – DAY
LISA exits the water taxi and climbs the steps to the pierhead. At the top she pauses. CREW, PASSENGERS and PORTERS bustle around her. She looks to the right: the massive art deco frontage of the Hotel New York looms, pennants flying, liveried doorman at the entrance marked OYSTERS. She looks left: the busy pier, then the gangway to board the liner.
5. INTERIOR, OYSTER BAR, HOTEL NEW YORK – DAY
MUSIC CUE - - cocktail bar piano plays FAREWELL TO STROMNESS by Peter Maxwell Davies.
MONTAGE:
- - RICK uses a pair of silver tongs to poke at the seafood.
- - RICK grabs a fistful of ice and crushes it so splinters fall on his plate.
- - RICK squeezes half a lemon over the lobster.
END MONTAGE
6. EXTERIOR, PIER, KOP VAN SUID – DAY
LISA walks deliberately up the gangway. She pauses momentarily at the top, gazes back over the pier and the hotel, then disappears inside the liner. We hear its great engines throbbing, preparing for departure.
7. INTERIOR, OYSTER BAR, HOTEL NEW YORK – DAY
RICK picks up the lobster and gazes at it lovingly.
LOBSTER (V.O.)
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
RICK tears the head off the lobster and starts devouring its flesh.
FADE OUT