Diary of a Shopkeeper, 29th May
At last, the long-awaited Inspector Sudoku report into Cheesegate has been released. Customers have been asking for my views on the scandal for months, but I’ve always felt obliged to reply, ‘Sorry, no comment. All will be addressed in the report, and until then I can’t confirm or deny anything.’
And now we have the final document in our hands.
It’s been covered extensively in the press. Facebook and Twitter users have dissected the results with the dispassionate consideration and intellectual rigour that social media is famed for. But how many of us have actually read it? With everyone in Stromness for the folk festival, Saturday was a quiet day in the shop. I had time to read the report, so you don’t have to. Here are the edited highlights, starting with an exchange from page 13:
INSPECTOR CHIEF SODUKO: Photographic evidence has emerged showing an apparent breach of social distancing in your cheese fridge.
SERGEANT ASSISTANT ROXY: Exhibit 43b on your iPads shows a photo of your cheese selection in July 2020. Approximately sixty cheeses are shown in close proximity, a flagrant breach of regulations.
SHOPKEEPER: But look: every wedge has its own PPE.
ROXY: Personal Protective Equipment?
SHOPKEEPER: In layman’s terms, clingfilm.
SODUKO: Blast it, you can slip out of anything!
SHOPKEEPER: Not me. Though I admit our ripe Gorgonzola can be extremely slippery. Not to mention runny. Hence the super-tight clingfilm.
And now, from page 27:
SUDOKU: We’ve received reports of wine up the walls of your shop.
ROXY: Suggesting wild behaviour, spilt glasses, reckless wine swirling.
SHOPKEEPER: It’s true there’s wine up the walls….
SOUDUKO: Gotcha! A clear confession!
SHOPKEEPER: …but it’s all in bottles, on shelves, of dimensions set out in our Operating Plan as required by the Licensing (Scotland) Act 2005, section 20.
ROXY: So none of it’s just, like, thrown up the walls in a big red splash?
SODUKO: Or just thrown up?
SHOPKEEPER: Certainly not. If you want to see the plan, I can get it from the filing cabinet.
SODUKO: Don’t mention the Cabinet! We’ve been told to keep them out of this.
Next, from page 36:
SUDOKU: So, in summary, you’re claiming that what appeared to be karaoke machine was in fact what you call a ‘till’ for storage of cash.
ROXY: I still don’t understand why you can’t use a brown envelope like we do.
SUDOKU: Shh! And what seemed to be party snacks – crisps, nuts, olives – were actually something called ‘stock’ which you claim to fence to innocent members of the public.
SHOPKEEPER: We sell stock. It’s what we do.
ROXY: For the tape, you further stated that CCTV footage of you leaving an all-night party at 8am last March really showed you arriving early for work to carry out enhanced cleaning routines.
SHOPKEEPER: Yes! How many times do I have to tell you? We carried out all the official guidance to the letter.
SUDUKO: Jesus, Mary and the Shetland pony – we’ve got you now! You’ve openly admitted following government guidance, in flagrant breach of the example set by that very same government.
ROXY: I call it disrespectful of our leaders.
SODUKO: I call it a disgraceful display of caution and lawfulness, when any patriotic citizen of this country should have been showing true British spirit with Cheese Tuesdays.
ROXY: And Wine Wednesdays. Well, Wine Everydays.
SUDOKU: You’re going down, Shopkeeper, for these outrageous crimes against…
I’m afraid, dear reader, that my printer ran out of ink at that point, and I could read no more of the report. But I think it’s clear that whatever did or didn’t happen during the dark days of Cheesegate is in the distant past. It’s time to move on.
And I can neither confirm nor deny that we are planning a £15 billion cheese giveaway.
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 1st June 2022. A new one appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.