Diary of a Shopkeeper, 8th December 2024

Have you seen this tart?

Sergeant Assistant Roxy was anxious. Anxious that she wasn’t up to her new role as Sergeant Detective Roxy. But with Sudoku gone, who else was there to step up in Police West Mainland and fight crime west mainland? Or should crime west mainland have capital letters? Yet more to be anxious about!

‘Sidney, have we got a ruling on capitalisation yet?’

Sidney looked up from his computer like a startled deer caught watching cat memes at work.

‘Still waiting to hear from the Grammar Police,’ he said. ‘Or possibly the grammar police.’

‘Sometimes it feels like the boffins down in Aberdeen don’t care about Police West Mainland,’ said Roxy. ‘DNA, ballistics, orthography. It always takes at least two episodes for them to get back to us.’

‘To be fair,’ said Sidney, ‘They do have bigger things to worry about. They’re still looking for whoever stole the golden rowie off the top of the Union Street Christmas tree.’

‘I knew it was a mistake for the Scottish Government to insist on solid gold models of local baked goods as municipal tree decorations,’ sighed Roxy. ‘I take it the golden bridie in Forfar is still missing?’

‘Aye,’ said Sidney. ‘Also the golden Ecclefechan tart in, eh…’ He frowned at his computer screen. ‘Ecclefechan.’

Roxy shook her head anxiously but glamorously, then gasped. ‘It’s all gone dark!’ she cried.

‘Your fringe has fallen down over your eyes again,’ said Sidney.

From the office door came a sarcastic, big city cackle. ‘Claudia Winkleman eat your hair out,’ said the tousled but glamorous city woman standing there.

Constable Backstory was at her side. ‘May I introduce our new team member, Sudoku’s replacement,’ he exposited. ‘This is Detective Sergeant Rubik, formerly of the Met, possibly with unspecified MI5 connections, at least when such contacts are occasionally useful. Strangest of all, she actually grew up on the main island, and her brother still lives here, despite them both having strong Glasgow accents.’

‘Everyone here has a strong Glasgow accent,’ said Roxy, in a strong Glasgow accent. ‘Except Sidney.’

All eyes turned to Sidney, who looked up like a startled vegetarian deer caught eating a non-vegan Gregg’s sausage roll. ‘I can’t help it,’ he stuttered. ‘Due to equalities legislation, Police West Mainland has to employ at least one person actually from the west mainland.’

DS Rubik stared at him. ‘Should that not be West Mainland?’ she said.

Roxy pushed her fringe aside so she could gaze at her new partner admiringly. ‘Rubik, I think we’re going to get along,’ she said.

‘Call me Cube,’ said Rubik.

‘Is that your nickname?’ said Roxy.

‘No, my parents christened me Cube. As a wean I suffered no end of ribbing from my brother, Polyhedron.’

‘The Reverend Pol,’ clarified Constable Backstory, ‘Minster of the parish of Empty Kirk.’

‘Enough family history,’ said Rubik. ‘Anyway, my brother is a peripheral character who no one needs to worry about. I mean, it’s highly unlikely that a respectable religious fellow like him would be involved in people trafficking, drug dealing, illegal stem-cell research or pilfering from the collection box.’

‘So,’ said Roxy, ‘let’s turn to serious crime. Turn to it, that is, in the sense of turning our attention to solving it. Not turn to it in the sense of becoming criminals.’

‘So, what have you got?’ said Rubik

‘It’s a bit of eczema,’ said Roxy, ‘but don’t worry, I have a cream. What’s really making me anxious is the fact that the gold bere bannock is still missing from the top of the Kirk Green Christmas tree.’

‘And a magnificent tree it is,’ said Sidney. ‘I can’t stand all the pleeping and girning.’

Roxy frowned at him – though to be honest he couldn’t see her eyebrows behind her fringe. ‘I’ve told you before, Sidney. None of that exclusionary lexis in the police station!’

‘Right inuff, me language is disgraceful,’ said Sidney. ‘I canno help mesel! Ach weel, aal livin language is sacred, f…’

‘For goodness’ sake!’ cried Roxy. ‘Can we leave that stuff for Radio West Mainland and try to solve this crime?’

‘Relax,’ said Rubik. ‘I’ve solved it.’

All eyes were on the newcomer now. It was Officer Backstory who spoke:

‘How can you possibly have solved a complex local crime within minutes of arriving back on the main island after having been south in London acquiring a Glasgow accent for an unspecified but large number of years?’

‘Simple,’ she replied. ‘I picked up a copy of The Orcadian in WH Smith’s at Heathrow. And there it was on page 15: ‘Planning Department refuse permission for golden bannock. It doesn’t match the approved colour pallet for the conservation area, said a spokesperson. The decoration has been impounded in an office on the first floor at School Place. And in an office on the second floor, an appeal is being prepared to submit to the Scottish Government. A decision is expected next July.’’

When Sidney comments on his own language, he is quoting the great Glasgow poet Tom Leonard. You can read the source of the quote here and more about Tom Leonard here.

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 12th December 2024. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations, and occasional small corrections or additions.