Diary of a Shopkeeper, 30th June 2024

‘Well shopkeeper, will you be staying up all night on Thursday to watch the results?’ said Willie Pickle.

‘Nah Willie,’ I said. ‘The Euros aren’t on this Thursday, it’s a rest day, no results to watch.’

‘I wasn’t talking about the football,’ he said, ‘It’s the election, are you staying up to watch the election results?’

‘Once again Willie, I doubt you’re mistaken. The election for the Firth and Stenness Community Council is at 7pm on Tuesday. And I’m a bit worried about turnout.’

‘How that?’

‘It clashes with the Romania versus Holland match – that’s sure to keep a lot of folk away.’

‘It’s a shame when they have these elections and no one shows up,’ he said, ‘or only 40% or something like that. They should think of a way to encourage folk to make the effort.’

‘I’ve often wondered,’ I said, ‘why it can’t be done electronically. You can get a new passport online. You can buy a house online. You can find a husband or wife online. Why not vote online?’

He shook his head in disgust. ‘Ach, computers seep in everywhere as it is – electronic iper. I don’t get along with them. Or they don’t get along with me. If I had to vote online, I’d probably make a pig’s lug of it and end up buying a thousand nappies off of Amazon.’

‘Well at least you could change them,’ I said, and laughed. Willie didn’t.

‘Nah, I was thinking more of an incentive to vote,’ he said. ‘They should make it more like being a blood donor. After you’ve put your X in the box, you get a pint of Guinness as a reward. Though I suppose the likes of you would prefer a glass of wine.’

‘Sangiovese!’ I said. ‘The blood of Jove!’ I raised an imaginary glass. ‘Anyway, I don’t think you get Guinness any more after blood donations,’ I said. ‘I think it’s more like a cup of tea and a biscuit.’

Willie nodded. ‘That might do,’ he said. ‘What kind of biscuits have they got?’

‘I’m not right sure,’ I said.

‘If they’re chocolate biscuits, that would do it for me,’ he said. ‘Or shortbread. I do like a nice petticoat tail.’
‘That reminds me,’ I said, ‘where’s our dear friend Mrs Stentorian theday?’

‘Henrietta’s at her house reading the party manifestos. She takes it all awfully seriously.’

‘Jings,’ I said, ‘I bet there’s not a lot of folk do that. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I don’t think I’ve read such a thing since The Communist Manifesto, and that came out in 1848. We had to do it in History at school.’

He nodded. ‘Would they get your vote?’

‘I’m pretty sure they’re not standing here,’ I said. ‘Neither in the General Election nor the Community Council election.’

He nodded again. ‘Probably just as well. I mean, we don’t want communists ruling over Firth and Stenness. Look what happened to China.’

‘Perxactly,’ I said.

‘We had to do the communists at school as well,’ said Willie. ‘The teacher announced one day that we were going to be studying the class struggle. I thought she meant all the fights that were going on amongst the fourth years.’

‘But really it was the revolutionary uprising of the international proletariat?’

‘Aye. It was a bit of an anti-climax.’ He sighed. ‘I got a D in history. One of my better subjects.’

‘But 30 years later, does anyone every ask you about marks?’

‘If they did, I’d be ready: Marx is the guy who wrote The Communist Manifesto.’

‘No, I mean marks with a k.’

 ‘Eh?’

 ‘No, k. M-a-r-k-s. Marks.’

‘I got an E in English. But then I come from Birsay, I’m not a native speaker.’

‘Me neither,’ I said, ‘But I think we’re both doing pretty well considering.’

‘They said on the telly last night,’ he said, ‘that politicians should campaign in poetry and govern in prose. All of a sudden something clicked. Campaigning in poetry? Not much wonder I can’t understand half of what they say.’

‘And another thing,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t even rhyme. Bring back the Shakespearean sonnet! That’ll get the masses rushing to the polling booths.’

‘That and chocolate biscuits,’ said Willie.

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 4th July 2024 - election day! A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations, and occasional small corrections or additions.