Diary of a Shopkeeper, 24th March 2024

It was a quiet afternoon in the shop. The first liner of the year had been and gone the day before, and so had the spring sunshine that accompanied its wandering, wondering, debouchees. Then down the path towards the door stoored the flame-headed figure of Bruce Brass, and I knew my peace was about to be shattered.

“It”s a crime!” he yelled, before he was even right inside. “A crime against our national traditions! I”ve had one or two criticisms of the OIC in the past…”

“One or two million,” I said.

“…but they”re the Brains Trust compared to that lot down in Holyrood. Have you seen what they”re doing now? Banning porridge! Can you believe it? Scotland”s national breakfast outlawed by its own government!”

As it happens, I did know about this story. When the customers are all served and the shelves fully stocked, I try to keep abreast of developments in the wine and spirit world, and also in the deli food world. Meanderings in the latter lead me to publications like the Scottish Grocer and Convenience Retailer and Lardermag.

Lardermag: what a great name! It sounds like it”s dedicated to making everyone eat more lard. Which is not too far from the truth. It tends to feature headlines like, “Scotland”s black pudding butchers spearhead celebration of peasant fare to superfood.” And somewhere or other I had read about a Scottish Government consultative paper launched at the end of February.

“It”s not banned, Bruce,” I said. “It”s just a consultation: they”re asking folk what they think about the curbing promotions of foods laden with sugar, salt and fat.”

“Sugar, salt and fat?” he cried. “That”s three of my major food groups right there. Anyway, you know how it works with consultations. They ask us what we think, then do what they were going to do anyway.”

I laughed. “Well that”s not true in this case,” I said. “Aye, they did, bizarrely, lump porridge in with a whole load of obviously unhealthy foods. Hold on…” I did a quick Google. “Here we go: “We propose that the food categories within scope of promotions restrictions are…blah blah blah…corn puffs…roast potatoes…powdered desserts…bars based on one or more of nuts, seeds or cereal…and porridge.””

“First they came for the powdered desserts,” thundered Bruce, “And I did not speak out, because I did not like powdered desserts. Then they came for the bars based on one or more nuts, seeds or cereal, and I did not speak out, because I did not like bars based on one or more nuts, seeds or cereal. Then they came for porridge…”

“And here you are speaking out about it,” I said.

He shook his head. “Feinty good it”ll do me.”

“I”ve good news for you,” I said. “Lots of folk spoke out. It was so obviously daft, what with all kinds of medical experts saying porridge was good for you. Anyway, the government have changed their tune now. Wait a sec.”

I Googled again. “Ah ha! An SNP spokesperson said, “Obviously, when we proposed restricting porridge, this is not mean to be taken literally. It refers to other, highly processed, porridge-based substances with added sugar, salt and fat.””   

Bruce picked a bag of Barony Mill flake oatmeal off the shelf, and looked at it dubiously. “So I”m not going to be arrested for buying this stuff?”

“I think what they”re against is the wee plastic tubs of instant stuff,” I said. “You know, Golden Syrup-Flavoured Instant Porridge-Style Breakfast with added Choc Chips. Just add water and 40 milligrams of statin.”

“What self-respecting Orcadian would eat such iper?” he snorted.

“Exactly,” I said. “But real Birsay oatmeal simmered in water…”

“…eaten with a horn spoon, and a separate bowl of milk on the side to dip your spoon in!”

“That”s a government approved start to your day,” I said.

Bruce grimaced, and plonked the oats back on the shelf. “The truth is,” he said, “I”d much rather have a boiled egg and soldiers.”

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 28th March 2024. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.