From: Henrietta-Stentorian@goodmannerscostnothing.co.uk

Subject: Geese, guns and trifle

Dear Mr Maclean,

I hope you and your staff are keeping well in these strange times.

Now, I cede first place to no one in my admiration for the beauty of the Orkneys. The wildlife, too, is enchanting. When my late husband first suggested moving north, what attracted him was the thought of spending time with the Puffin, the Red Throated Plunger and of course the Oyster Cracker.

Bertie was the twitcher in our family. (‘And you, Henrietta, are the bewitcher,’ he used to say, though I fear my bewitching days are long past.) However, even he would have been twitching with something more like fury at the number of geese plaguing Mainland. As if a virus pandemic wasn’t bad enough, we have another pandemic to contend with: hundreds of honking birds, trampling the fields to mud as thoroughly as any ‘kye’ and thundering into the air if I so much as deadhead a single rose in the garden.

So I welcome our friends from France and Germany and Italy, those brave burly men with their camouflage suits and their guns, who are doing their level best to shoot as many geese as possible. No Brexiteer me! (Not when it comes to wiping out intrusive wildfowl, at least. Any European with a Benelli Super Black Eagle II in his hand is a friend of mine. Without one…hmm.)

My point, Mr Maclean, is not the shooting of the geese. It’s the timing! Why on earth do the shooters have to go out so early in the morning? Before it’s even light my windows reverberate and I’m ‘untimely ripped from sleep’ (as the bard put it) by the bang, bang, banging of guns mere yards from my cottage.

Why so early? It’s not as if the geese are going anywhere. I wish they would!

So I am writing to you in your capacity as Chairman of Kirkwall BID, to request that you take decisive action on this matter. Thank you. (I have also written to the RSPB in similar terms, but have so far received no reply.)

While I am here, could I place an order for delivery on Friday? I hope it is not against licensing laws to order alcohol at 6.15am, but I am wide awake now, thanks to the shooters, so I might as well make use of my early start. The late Mr Stentorian was a great believer in early rising: “Skim the cream off the day”, he used to say.

Which reminds me, could you also deliver a pint of double cream, a packet of ratafia biscuits and some flaked almonds? I feel a sherry trifle coming on.

I have to admit I have procured a bottle of sherry from our local post office. No doubt it’s inferior to what you stock, but it will quite suffice to moisten my biscuit base. It only costs £3.99, by the way, considerably less than you charge, even if it isn’t matured for 30 years like yours. And it does make an adequate cooking sherry. Having said that, going by how many bottles Mr Prinsloo at the Post Office sells, I suspect many in this parish consume it by the pint rather than putting it to culinary use.

It now occurs to me that, as I already have the sherry, I don’t need to order any alcohol from you after all. Which is a relief, as I was nervous about the legal position of doing so before breakfast. And it also occurs to me that I was mistaken in asking you to supply cream, biscuits, and almonds, as you don’t stock them. Apologies, I was getting Kirkness & Gorie confused with Lidl.

I shall stop now, as it’s time for my morning dip (I’m a member of the Silver Selkies Wild Swimming Club.) Let’s hope those hunters don’t shoot me and keep my skin in a trunk, ha ha! I’ve been told I’m easily mistaken for a large aquatic mammal while in the water; I think it must be my bathing suit, which is a kind of mottled grey not unlike the pelt of a Harbour Seal.

Thank you for your assistance, and do let me know when you have sorted out the timing issue with the shooters. I should be back from my swim in about half an hour, so look forward to hearing from you shortly after 7 a.m.

Your sincerely,

Henrietta Stentorian, Mrs

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 1st October. Other diaries will appear weekly. I am posting them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions. Any errors in this diary are entirely the responsibility of its author, Henrietta Stentorian, Mrs.

I am astounded that goodmannerscostnothing.com is not an actual website or email address. Surely a great opportunity for some Mr or Mrs Stentorian or other to make their mark on the digital etiquette world!

Diary of a Shopkeeper, 27th September