Diary of a Shopkeeper, 28th March
The pandemic has made life hard for everyone, and forced businesses to innovate to cope with changes in customer demand.
Sometimes these innovations are ambitious and far-reaching: hats off to Neil Stevenson and his plans to rejuvenate the old Garden’s property in a way that will benefit Kirkwall for decades to come. Other developments have been smaller and improvised on the spur of the moment. Like the new business venture we came up with in Kirkness & Gorie this week, with the assistance of our always creative and public-spirited customers.
It was Mr K who started it all. He gave a cheery wave as he walked in, sending hand-sanitiser flying around the shop. ‘So, how’s life treating you, Duncan?’
I gestured to the brightly-lit display in front of me. ‘Life is like a cheese fridge,’ I said. ‘You never know what you’re going to get. There’s lots of choice: some soft, some hard, some young and fresh, some mature and nutty.’
‘”Life is like a cheese fridge”? You’re Orkney’s answer to Forrest Gump, beuy!’
Over by the coffee beans, Kiwi Kate gave a gulder. ‘I’m going to get that printed on a tee shirt,’ she said, ‘Life is like cheese, and I’m mature and nutty.’
‘Forrest Dunc,’ cried Mr K. ‘I think you’re on to something there. All those inspirational quotes you get on posters and coasters and tee shirts, they’re so shuggery they’re enough to make you bock. We need some more true-to-life ones, some more Orcadian ones.’
‘It’s a good idea,’ I said, ‘But what? I didn’t even know I was being inspirational, how am I going to think of any more?’
‘Start us off with the first half of a boring one,’ said Kate, ‘And we’ll come up with a new version.’
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Here’s your starter for ten. If life gives you lemons…’
‘…you still need shortcrust pastry, eggs and sugar to make a lemon meringue pie,’ she came back.
‘True,’ I said, ‘but a bit long winded. Want a go, Mr K?’
‘For 10% of the profits, of course I will.’
‘It’s a deal. Let’s see. The grass is always greener…’
He pressed his fingertips to his temples for a second then announced, ‘The grass is always greener where the dog waters it.’
He looked so pleased with himself that I just had to give him a small round of applause.
‘Dogs is a good theme,’ said Kate. ‘Because then you can put a photo of a cute puppy on the poster too.’
‘I’m getting in the swing now,’ I said. ‘How about, If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am, at least in the leg department.’
‘There’s nothing Orcadian about all these,’ said Mr K, ‘You need something for the local market.’
‘Not to mention the tourists,’ said Kate, ‘if we ever see any again.’
‘Hold on, hold on, hold on,’ said Mr K. ‘I’ve got one. Don’t spend time banging you head against a wall, trying to turn it into a door (unless you work for Orkney Builders).’
‘We’re getting somewhere,’ said Kate. ‘I take it that 10% of profits deal goes for me as well as my cobber here?’
‘Do you mean net profits?’ I said, ‘After deductions for marketing, insurance, utilities and other overheads?’
‘After all this hard yakka?’ cried Kate. ‘No way! 10% off top-line profits: sales minus cost of goods, that’s it.’
‘I forgot you used to be Treasurer of the Auckland BID,’ I said. ‘Okay, lets hear it.’
‘It’s got a nautical theme,’ she said, ‘I imagine a nice background of a sun setting over the sea. And a boat in the middle distance. And then the words in Comic Sand Bold: You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can take the Pentalina instead of a stupid sailing boat.’
I laughed, but Mr K shook his head. ‘That’ll offend the Yole Association, he said. ‘Wouldn’t want to do that. A great piece of our heritage, the yole.’
Kate sighed. ‘Okay, how about: Yole never make an omelette without breaking eggs.’
‘I do like the food theme,’ I said, ‘good for this shop. Here’s one: If life stabs you in the back, make a Caesar salad.’
Kate shook her head. ‘Far too literary. Anyway, Shakespeare already said that didn’t he?’
I laughed. ‘Great minds think alike!’
‘That’s been done as well,’ said Kate.
I sighed and gave my cheese slicer a dight. ‘Sorry folks, but I really have to get on and do some actual paying work. This entrepreneur thing isn’t as easy as it looks.’
‘Ah well,’ said Mr K. ‘No one said it was going to be easy. After all, genius is 1% inspiration, 95% perspiration, and 4% good strong deodorant.’
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 28th March. Other diaries continue to appear weekly. I am posting them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.