Diary of a Shopkeeper, 2nd May
No, we don’t have any of these in stock…
Orkney has been in the same Level as Scotland for a week now, meaning we can travel south if we want, and visitors can come here. Has there been a flood of tourists filling our streets? Definitely not, though there has been a trickle along Broad Street.
How can I tell the trickle was visitors? If you work in a deli there are a few tell-tale signs to look out for, which you might call ‘How to Say You’re a Tourist without Saying You’re a Tourist.’
One is asking, ‘Are all these wines made in Orkney?’
To which the answer is, ‘I’m afraid not madam: the kangaroo on this label, and the writing in French on that one, indicate an origin far from these shores.’
Another is, ‘Do you have Scapa whisky in miniatures?’
To which the reply is, ‘No, Scapa don’t release miniatures. We wish they did, you wish they did, and thousands of other folk wish they did, but they don’t.’
We get asked this so many times a day during the summer that we’re having tee-shirts printed with the message, ‘Scapa is not available in miniatures!’ and a crying face emoji. That will save a lot of time, as we can just point at the tee-shirt while we’re serving another customer, probably someone asking for ‘Orkney’s strongest blue cheese.’
Finally, you can Say You’re a Tourist by panicking when an Orcadian shopkeeper is friendly to you:
CURTAIN UP
The scene: a friendly local cheese and wine shop.
Sound effect: door opens.
Lovely Orcadian girl behind counter: ‘Hello! How are you today?’
Man in anorak and cargo trousers: (alarmed) ‘We’re just looking.’
Orcadian girl: (smiling) ‘That’s fine, give me a shout if I can help.’
Woman in matching anorak: (clutching the man’s arm) ‘WE’RE…JUST…LOOKING!’
The Orcadian girl turns from the counter to restock the cheese-wrapping papers.
Sound effect: door opening and banging shut.
Orcadian girl: ‘Goodbye! Thanks for coming!’
But it’s too late: Mr and Mrs Anorak are already halfway down the street, gazing anxiously around this strange town where shop staff talk to you as if they were human beings.
THE END
There is another version of this scenario where the customers are American tourists; that’s a bit different. I won’t give you the whole scene, but it begins like this:
Lovely Orcadian girl behind counter: ‘Hello! How are you today?’
Big man in baseball cap: (loudly) ‘Hey! How are YOU! Great to see you, great to be here, love your whisky, I’m Scotch myself, going back to my g-g-grandfather, you gotta come and visit with us in Houston, come and stay y’all, bring your family, here’s my card, see, that’s my name, George Bridges IV, can’t get much more Scotch than that!’
All of this nonsense is purely theoretical for the moment, as there are so few tourists about you’d hardly know they’re there at all. Anyone nervous about the streets being crowded should put their worries to the side and come out right now: most shops are no busier than a wet Tuesday in November.
And any businesses dependent on tourism for a big part of their turnover needs to keep their nerve and be patient. Tourists will return in numbers, but not for a while yet.
The latest predictions are that self-catering properties will be busy from mid-May, with hotels filling up from mid-June onwards.
It’s hard to say how many visitors that will amount to, now that properties advertise themselves through platforms like Airbnb, or their own websites, as much as through Visit Orkney. But the total over-night headcount is likely to peak around 1,500.
Not a bad total, though only as many as you would find on one medium-sized liner. Of course, you’d expect spend-per-head on overnighting holidaymakers to be much higher than on day-trippers, whether on a liner, or one of the dozens of tour buses that used to do the rounds. But even every self-catering and every hotel room being full will not make Orkney feel full.
What about those controversial liners?
The cruise companies are keen to get going again as soon as possible – the alternative is going bust. The UK Government recently announced cruising could begin for UK passengers from 17th May, though the initial response from cruise companies suggests a very limited resumption in June and a wee bit more in July. Far from the usual large numbers, either of ships or of passengers.
Some liners will stay at sea for the duration, not coming into any port. Some will restrict their visits to a few large cities. There’s a good number still booked into Orkney for late summer and autumn, though it’s reported that cancellations are coming in regularly.
It’s not clear yet whether passengers will be allowed to wander free-range as they did pre-Covid, or whether fear of picking up the virus in our unkan towns will confine them to hermetically-sealed sight-seeing bus tours.
More details will emerge in the months ahead. But meanwhile anyone coming in the shop with salt spray on their anorak is less likely to be from San Diego or Portsmouth, and more likely Sanday or Papay. And they’ll be very welcome!
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 5th May, since when tourists have continued to appear in a trickle, no more. Other diaries continue to appear weekly. I am posting them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.