Diary of a Shopkeeper, 5th September

Bruce Brass, standing in the Angry As Anything ward.

Kiwi Kate was on a roll. 

‘This has got to stop!’ she cried.  ‘My mind’s made up: I’m standing!’

‘I can see you are,’ said Bruce Brass.  ‘You’re standing right in front of me.’

‘I’m standing for election,’ she said, ‘In the council elections in May.’

 ‘God for you,’ I said.  ‘As an independent, I presume?’

 ‘No.  I’m forming my own party: The Anti Liner Party.  It’s a single-issue organisation, but they’re the ones that get things done.’

‘And what would the single issue be?’ asked Bruce.

‘Saving the planet,’ she said, scowling at him.  ‘Though when I hear the likes of you, I wonder if I should bother.’

‘I thought that was the Greens’ job,’ said Bruce.  ‘What need for your Panty Liner Party?’

For a second I thought she was going to belt him.  Instead, she stuck out her chin and said in a steely voice:

‘We must all think global and act local.  And what causes the biggest damage to the environment here in Orkney?’

‘Beef farming,’ said Bruce.  ‘We’re a methane-burping monoculture, a green-grass desert.’

‘What?  No!’ she cried.  ‘Well, a little bit, but…’

‘Is it Flotta?’ I said.  ‘We all know we’ve got to reduce fossil fuel use, and there’s millions of barrels of it passing through the Flow every year.’

‘No again,’ she said.  ‘Though you’re getting warmer.’

‘That’ll be the climate change,’ said Bruce, and hooted.

‘It’s not funny,’ she hissed. 

‘Kate,’ I said, ‘We’re kidding.  Or I am anyway. We ken you’re talking about the cruise liners.  Everyone’s talking about the cruise liners.  And everyone disagrees with everyone else.  Once upon a time everyone disagreed about oil coming to Flotta.  I daresay if we went back to 1860 everyone would be arguing with James Kirkness about kye being shipped south and the uproar that was causing in the town: new roads, a new harbour, the peaceful life of Kirkwall shattered.  Is it not just a phase we’re going through – a new industry – and over time sensible controls and limits will be established?’

‘You’ll have a long wait if you want School Place to do anything sensible,’ said Bruce.

I shook my head.  ‘Some folk are climate sceptics, Bruce, and you’re a council sceptic.  They’re incapable of doing anything right in your eyes.  If it looks like they have, you think it must be fake news put out by the paper and the radio, who never question them.’  I sighed.  ‘Apart from all the time…’

‘All I ken,’ he said, ‘Is I don’t like unelected high heid yins like King James setting themselves up to make decisions on my behalf.’

‘James Stockan was elected,’ I said. 

‘Oh, so you’re agreeing with him now, are you?’ he huffed.

‘I’m not saying if I am or not.  But you can’t deny he was elected, like all the councillors.  You’re the one that’s unelected.’

‘Not for much longer!’ he declared.  ‘I’ve decided, I’m standing in the elections in May.  We need some fresh blood, some bold folk willing to take tough decisions.’

‘Here,’ said Kate, ‘That was my idea.  I’ve already got my campaign slogan worked out: Kick Out Kruise with Kiwi Kate.’

‘I’m going for: Take Back Control, Bold as Brass,’ said Bruce.

‘It’s great to see this upsurge of enthusiasm for local democracy,’ I said.  ‘It’s almost as if you believe the council gets to decide what happens with the liners.’

‘They do!’  said Kate, then frowned.  ‘Don’t they?’

‘I’ve no idea,’ said Bruce.  ‘But if they don’t maybe it’s them who need to take back control.’

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 8th September. Other diaries continue to appear weekly. I am posting them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.