Diary of a Shopkeeper, 10th July
A statement from the steps of 11 Broad Street:
I’d like to take this opportunity to do something I’ve been contemplating for some time. It’s something I do with a heavy heart. And that heavy heart has been a weight on my shoulders for, as I say, some time.
At least, oh, at least since this time yesterday.
Some may accuse me of having a chip on my shoulder. Or a whole bag of chips. But no. That lump you see under my jumper is not French fries, as our American friends say. That lump is my heart. On my shoulder. And it’s heavy. And it might slip off if…
Let me start again. Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, but I…
Enough of the hearts. They’re nothing but trouble.
It is with a lump in my throat that I… No, no, enough of the lumps too.
We are gathered here today... No!
Ahem. Okay, I have it. With regret, I have today tendered my resignation as a member of the Cheese and Wine Party. As you know, I have been a loyal supporter of the party for many years, and nothing has been dearer to my heart than cheese and wine. Not always in that order, but the basic values have remained. Cheese and wine, wine and cheese, I am unshakeable in my commitment to these principles
It’s at times like these that it’s worth reminding ourselves of the seven Nolan Principles of standards in public life (Shopkeeper Edit.)
As you will recall, these principles were established by the Nolan Sisters shortly after their rise to fame on the Cliff Richard Show in the mid-1970s. Wise words then, and no less wise now, for all that we’re more likely to see them on Loose Women than the stage of the London Palladium.
1. Don’t make waves.
2. A glittery tank top will take you a long way, or failing that a stylish apron.
3. There are few bad wines out there, just ones that are not to your taste.
4. There are few bad cheeses out there, but that doesn’t mean you need to eat them all. (Note to self: write this on a Post It and stick it on the fridge at home.)
5. There are few bad home-brew kits out there, just impatient folk who start drinking it after a week instead of waiting 30 days.
6. Scapa whisky does not come in miniatures.
7. I’m In the mood for dancing, romancing, so come on and hold me tight.
I feel that, if more esteemed colleagues within the cheese and wine community could adhere to these principles, we’d not be in the sad situation we now are, when good, well-meaning Britons are more likely to consume water than wine, and crispy kale than cheese.
It’s Health and Safety gone mad. Well, mostly Health.
For those who say the Nolan Principles should be consigned to the past along with the Kiki Dee Management Conventions and the Basil Brush Axioms for International Relations, all I can say is, ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ and ‘Boom boom.’
For those who say I could have been promoting these Principles for the 15 years I have been running this shop, rather than suddenly discovering them now, I reply, ‘Sorry, I have to take this call. It could be Dave Bartram out of Showaddywaddy with his views on the Middle East peace process.’
To those who don’t ask difficult questions like that, I’m very grateful.
And it’s thanks to their encouragement that I’d now like to put myself forward for the leadership of the Cheese and Wine Party. I hope I can count on your support.
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 13th July 2022. A new one appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.