Diary of a Shopkeeper, 3rd September

In the busy summer months we’re occupied with serving customers and keeping the shelves stocked. There’s not much time for anything else. By the start of September something new is in the air. It’s the chill of early autumn, and it’s the still of customer-free moments in the shop. Soon these moments turn into minutes, and by the end of the month I’ll be rearranging all the bottles alphabetically, then by the colour of their label, then back to the way they started. Right now we’re on the cusp. The till is called into action fairly regularly, but there’s also time to look ahead. We’re planning some exciting events with local restaurants in coming months, but some of our customers are looking further ahead than that.

‘I’m in training for the Island Games,’ Kiwi Kate told me short ago. ‘To be exact I’m at the breeding stage.’

‘Jings!’ I said, ‘What sport do you need to breed for? Are you hatching clay pigeons?’

She shook her head. ‘Shetland ponies. I have a sweet-as stallion at the moment, Clockwork Orange, by Work to Rule out of Terry’s Chocolate Orange. Half-Arab half-Shetland: runs like the wind.’

 ‘Or rather,’ Mrs Stentorian called from over by the sherry, ‘he runs like clockwork.’

‘Exactly,’ said Kate. ‘Whatever he sires will be a definite medal contender in the Shetland Pony Gallop at the Games.’

‘I hate to break it to you,’ I said, ‘But I don’t think that’s one of the official sports.’

She frowned, but before she could answer the door went and in walked Willie Pickle. ‘Ah William!’ cried Mrs Stentorian, ‘We were just talking about the Island Games.’

‘Did you tell them about your gold medal, Henrietta?’ he said.

‘Oh! I hate to brag,’ she said. ‘And besides, that wasn’t the Island Games, it was just the silly old Olympics.’

‘Really?’ I said. ‘What were you competing in?’

‘Dorset Knob,’ she said. ‘It’s quite a rare sport, originating in the west country where my late husband’s family was from. You get three Dorset Knobs – it’s a kind of hard biscuit, like a rockcake, but less decadent – and you throw them as far as you can. My winning toss was 105 feet – a record that still stands, I believe.’

‘That’s one sport I’ve never heard of,’ I said. ‘Are you sure this was the Olympics and not some village fête?’

‘It was only in three Olympics,’ said Mrs Stentorian, ‘And England won gold every time.’

 ‘They were the only team to enter two of those times,’ said Willie. ‘The third time, France competed. They weren’t happy about coming second.’

‘I prefer to say “last”,’ said Mrs Stentorian. ‘Anyway, they vetoed Dorset Knob from any future Olympics.’

‘We should lobby for a new version to be included in the Island Games,’ I said. ‘Except it would have to be a fattie cuttie.’

Willie shook his head. ‘They’d catch the wind, beuy, you’d throw them no distance.’

‘I suppose,’ I said. ‘But hey, they’re looking for a mascot. Couldn’t we use a giant fattie cuttie to represent Orkney and its traditions?’

‘A puffin would be good,’ said Mrs Stentorian.

‘Can’t be a puffin,’ said Kiwi Kate. ‘That’s what Guernsey used. Obviously it has to be a peedie Shetland pony.’

‘No way!’ I cried. ‘There’s a clue in the name: our friends in the north would come down and set fire to our boats and drink all our beer.’

‘How about a big lump of cheese?’ said Willie.

‘As a mascot?’ said Kate, frowning.

‘No, as something to throw instead of Dorset Knobs. That Cannonball from Westray’s the ideal shape.’

‘That would be good for sales,’ I said.

‘There’s one symbol that sums up Orkney more than any other,’ said Mrs Stentorian. ‘It’s ideal for the mascot.’

‘The Old Man of Hoy?’ I said.

‘A selkie?’ said Kate.

‘An Orkney vole?’ said Willie.

She shook his head at all our suggestions. ‘It’s obvious,’ she said. ‘A cruise liner, of course. Everyone in the county would rally around that flag.’

At that point I must have fainted, for I remember no more.

The Dorset Knob is a real biscuit! You can read quite a lot about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorset_knob Sadly, their involvement in the Olympics is somehow missed out, nor is Mrs Stentorian mentioned as a medal winner. Funny that.

If you want to make your own Dorset Knobs (as, unaccountably, K&G do not stock them) you can find a recipe here: http://www.foodsofengland.co.uk/dorsetknobs.htm

Thankyou to Foods of England and Moores Biscuits for the photos.

This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 6th September 2023. A new one appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations., and occasional small corrections or additions.